Coffee with my Younger Self

This is a trend now, I guess? So I did one.

 I met my younger self for coffee.

She avoided talking about the guy. She didn't want to jinx it, had told herself for so long that she didn't need a man to hide the fear that she wasn't worthy of love.

So I held my tongue, even though I wanted to tell her about the brokenness of two sinners struggling through life, and about the joys of having made that life together.

She reflected back so much spirit and energy for her passions, finding ways to enthusiastically tell me about the ways she was shaping the world she lived in. She had regular columns she was managing in the student newspaper, and students she was TA-ing, ballroom dance classes she was planning.

I saw so much of myself in her. My title as a supervisor playing out in how she fostered the newspaper staff. Saw the way I want to clear the path for people I lead to be greater than me in her desire to tutor her students well.

She didn't ask about politics. Hadn't yet seen herself as part of a greater global story - she was too wrapped up in the slightly selfish nature of youth. So I didn't tell her how woefully inadequate I feel, how helpless, being so aware and yet so clueless.

She was so confident about her faith, so happy with her Bible study team and her church and her community. So I didn't tell her how hard I've found it to be consistently connected to a faith community outside of the structures of youth groups or campus ministries, how I often feel like I'm putting on a false face to blend in to what those communities expect me to be, how wrestling with my evangelical history and clinging to the core of the gospel consumes me at night, in the darkness. Didn't tell her how tricky I find it to raise my son knowing the redemptive love, rather than consuming guilt, yet still stubbornly holding to the cross.

She asked for discipleship because that's what coffee dates with older women had always meant to her.

I laughed and told her that age is just a number, and that those women who she thought of as mentors and teacher figures were just her friends now. But then I paused, because those beautiful friendships have been some of the few places I've felt truly honest. Perhaps I need more of those discipleship relationships again myself.

2024 Scorecard & 2025 Resolutions

 It's that time of year! The annual "How did Emily do on the goals she set" review. Now in its 15th year (hold on while I reflect on that for a bit).

1. Read through the Bible (with a partner! My friend Julie is doing this with me and I hope that this partnership helps me stick to it better than last year) 1 Point

This was only achieved because I had the accountability of other people, and I still struggled to keep up with every day, sometimes doing 2-3 days in one. But I’m on track as of writing this and should finish so giving myself the point.

2. Read 12 books off of my TBR list (bonus point if at least 6 are non-fiction) 1 Point

The problem with this goal is that my TBR list grew during the year. I read a lot of “new and buzzy” books this year because of that growing TBR and having a LIFO (last in, first out) stack approach to this list instead of a FIFO (first in, first out) queue approach. But I did technically achieve it, and I also surpassed my goodreads goal of 50 books total. 

3. 500 hours outside (got pretty close to this one in 2023 so setting it as a specific goal this year) .9 points

That’s how close I got! We got to 470 hours by the start of December (when I’m writing this recap), which is 94% of 500, but it’s very cold now so I don’t think we’re going to get the last 32 hours…but maybe the last two weeks of the year when he’s off school?

4. Set a PR for a half marathon (half point for just finishing a half marathon - registered for May!) .5 points

Ok, so I finished my second half marathon, but I was SO far away from PR-ing because it rained the whole race and my shoes were old and gave me bad blisters/heel pain. I limped across the finish of that half. I didn’t set any running PRs this year, but I did a total of 3 Charm City Run races (the half, a winery 5K, and the Ocktoberfest 5 miler)

faking a smile in the rain for the camera - at this point I was pretty discouraged because I knew I'd blown my PR goal and my shoes were failing me so badly.

5. Write Max one letter for the future each month (I did this during his first year, “letters to my baby”, and I have the “letters to my son” book to complete, plus two more “letters for your birthday” and “letters to read when”) .6 points

I wrote 8 of the 12 letters in the “letters to my son” book. I’m pretty happy with that, despite not reaching the once a month goal, and I’ll be carrying this goal over into 2025.

6. 1000 books before kindergarten challenge! (Max is still a few years from kindergarten but we can aim for 1000 books this year anyways!) 1 point

WE DID IT. This was actually so hard, and I definitely bent the rules a bit because I think there are some books we read twice that I’d forgotten we read it until we got home from the library and I thought “wait, this story seems awfully familiar”

In January I thought "oh it'll be fun to take pictures of all the books each week" but I let that go after the first few weeks. But here's the first three weeks of reading!

7. Memorize 12 Bible verses with Max (We memorized two this year for Sunday School, Genesis 1:1 and Matthew 1:23b, aiming for one a month next year) 1 point

We did technically do this, largely due to the “Slugs and Bugs” Youtube channel having so many that he could learn to sing instead of committing just words to memory.

8. Finish at least one unfinished quilt project (I have so many WIPs and I want to finish at least one by the end of the year) 0 points

I started last January pinning my WIPs to the backing, and I just never got the sewing machine out! I have two baby nieces coming in 2025, maybe they’ll be the motivation I need to finally finish these things? They are really lovely quilt tops, but the actual quilting part is messy and hard work for me (because I’m not patient and I fake my corners which then results in uneven squares later on).

9. Enter a Lego show of some kind (Joint goal with Ryan. Ideas include BrickFest, an LGMS train show, or the B&O train garden - we have the Lego basement of my dreams now with drawers and tables) .5 points

Ok, we didn’t do this, but we did grow our lego collection by a lot and build a castle big enough to enter into a display, and we tried to enter two displays but didn’t get in. So the idea of more Lego time with my husband, that goal was met, but the show part I missed.

The Lego Christmas house with hidden LEDs that we built last week.

10. Do a Whole 30 month (this is the goal I am the most uncertain about, so it might not 

happen, but I am curious to research and possibly try this) 0 points

I knew this one was a long shot, and I looked into it and decided, with a three year old at home, this is not the right time to do this. Not going to feel bad about it either. :) 

Total: 6.5/10 goals completed. 

New 2025 goals and resolutions:

1. Memorize 4 of the short Psalms (specifically 117, 123, 133 and 134)

I realized reading through the Bible this year that I think of the Psalms as lengthy, but that’s really only one of them (Psalm 119). Many are short prayers that feel very applicable to my day to day life. I already know Psalm 1, Psalm 23, and Psalm 100 - looking to add a few more. Maybe even with Max?

2. Finish my current knitting project by Christmas (bonus if finished by July 4th)

My sister Stephanie asked me to knit her something. I tried to do it by Christmas. I failed. So aiming for her birthday in July or at worst, next Christmas!

3. Complete “Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons” with Max by end of year

I listened to a podcast that says toddlers can read. My kiddo will be 4 this year, so barely a toddler anymore. This book is how I learned to read. He loves reading, we read books every night and he is good at memorizing and reciting the stories back to himself. I want to try this as part of our new bedtime routine - you read to mama, mama reads to you. I’ll let you know how it goes.

4. Finish 5 more letters to Max (the rest of the book from this year & birthday letter)

I really enjoy writing letters to the future. I write them to myself all the time. Going to carry on writing them to my son, more for me than for him, though I do hope he enjoys them someday.

5. Finish at least one 5 mile race in ~1 hour (bonus points for longer distance)

Ok, so the minimum mile time to qualify for the Marines is a 12 minute mile. I know this because I used to work with a Marine. Years ago, he (unknowingly) said “imagine not being able to do the Marine mile qualifier” to another veteran while I was in ear shot and I immediately set it as a goal - I wanted to be able to run in Marine qualifying time (even though I have zero plans to be a Marine). That 12 minute mile goal has been my objective almost every race since. I’ve hit it a few times, I’ve failed many times. I’m not willing to commit to more than 5 miles, but I’d like to be able to run 5 miles at “Marines time” in 2025.

6. 52 weeks deck of cards “junk journal” art project (copying from Instagram)

I saw on instagram an artist who painted one card a week for a year. I loved this idea, but I’ve also fallen for junk journaling, and I’m not much of a painter (though paint can be involved). We’ll see how this goes, it’s a little weekly art challenge for myself.

7. Read 12 non-fiction books (loosely aiming for 4 church/Bible related books, 4 work related, and leaving myself space for 4 “fun non-fictions” like memoirs)

I surpassed my reading goal this year, but I’ve got a pile of non-fiction staring at me, waiting to be read. It’s time to chip away at that pile. It feels like homework a bit, but homework can be good for you.

8. Use our passports again

This one is to keep me from chickening out of the road trip I want to take with my family. We spent a lot of effort last year getting passports sorted out so that we could go to the Ontario side of Niagara Falls. I want to make that effort valuable with another trip. 

On "Holiday Magic"

 I guess this is a poem? I don't know, I just have Thanksgiving feelings so...wrote it down.

My holiday memories - packed with fun, never uncomfortable, always exciting.

My holiday memories - driving to the cousins house, sitting on a piano bench, playing Yukon Trail.

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the hustle and bustle of cooking for 20+ people?

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the time it takes to do hours of driving, visit, and hours back?

My holiday memories - they sparkle in my mind and seem so fun, so appealing.

My holiday memories - colored cards under the tree, no labels with names so we couldn't peek.

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the days and days of wrapping that had to happen?

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the packages and recycling and sorting of bubble wrap?

My holiday memories - everything felt so warm, so inviting, so homey.

My holiday memories - all in one house, and my dad saying "all my babies are home from college".

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the soothing of squabbles and assurance of equal fairness?

Did I forget, or did I not ever notice the time it took to make sure everyone had a space of their own?

My holiday memories - are they real, or looking back with rose-colored glasses?

My holiday memories - they happened, but who made it all happen?

I forgot, or maybe I never noticed, that mom carried a lot of the labor to make it happen.

He'll forget, or maybe he doesn't notice, the effort I've put in this week, this month, this season.

I hope that the only thing left will be ... magic.

Thanks, mom, for my magical memories. I'm recognizing how hard that must have been as I sort through my own feelings about the holidays now as the adult who bears a lot of the planning burden.