On Mothers & Memories

One of my most reoccuring thoughts now that I have a toddler & two nieces - "was it like this when I was the baby? Did my mom love knowing about my cousin celebrating milestones the same way I love it for my nieces? (hearing my older niece talk is so fun, and watching my younger niece crawl just had me audibly cheering). Did my aunt enjoy handing her baby off to my mom and playing with me as a toddler, the way my sisters and I swap kids now?" I believe yes.

Part of the reason I have to think yes is because I have the photographic evidence of it, as seen below.

Me & Popo (grandma), Abigail (sister) & Mom, Megan (cousin) & Aunt Julie

Me & Aunt Julie at dim sum (I just took my younger niece to her first dimsum last weekend)

Aunt Kimberly valiantly trying to read two different books to two nieces at once.

(Also, my older niece's resembleance to my sister is uncanny looking at these old photos)

Scheerer/Winston cousins after a Christmas celebration/service

Me & my cousin Ben at that same gathering with Christmas gifts

(I included this one because if you've seen photos of my son, you've seen this smile I handed down)

My Aunt Lisa and I touching a stingray! (even though I am very little in this picture, I do have a vague memory of this day, because who could forget the time they touched a stingray!)

With the exception of the stingray, I don't remember any of these individual moments. They are, mostly, very ordinary days. But here I am looking for ordinary days, because I'm looking to find "did mom and dad feel this way or that way", and looking to find "is this or that feature of my son reflective of my own face at his age". And this is why we take pictures. When my son was born, I couldn't take enough pictures of him. Every part of him fascinated me and I didn't want to forget. But now, it's mostly him who looks at those pictures, and not me. I hold the memory more easily than I thought I would, but he doesn't hold it at all. I use the pictures so that I can transfer my memory to him, just as the pictures above are transferred memories from my mom and aunts about how they felt when I was the toddler.

I can hold the memory of my newborn and love the three-year-old of my present at the same time. It's wild to me to think on how my mom holds the memory of a new born and loves her almost-32-year old of the present at the same time. Nothing helps you appreciate your mom more than becoming one yourself. Nothing helps you appreciate your aunts more than becoming one yourself. And this goes for what I'll call "spiritual aunts" as well, friends of your parents, neighbors, women from the church. Yesterday I was talking to one of my mom's neighbors (who happens to also be a woman from my church) and she was remembering how I helped paint her house when I was ~12 years old, how I used to babysit for her kids - holding a younger me in her mind while engaging with present day me. One day, my best friend's toddler (who I love fiercely) will look at me and talk to me as "an equal adult" and I will carry the memory of her as a sweet little girl in pigtails from today with me in that future.

Happy Mother's Day (weekend), Mom. And Aunt Julie, Aunt Kimberly, Aunt Lisa, and Aunt Janet. Happy Mother's Day to all those women who loved on me to get me to where I am today, who hold a memory of me younger in their hearts simultaneously with the me of the present.

On all the boys I've loved before

 Today at the groccery store with my almost three year old, I saw one of the boys I've loved before (thanks, Jenny Han, for that poetic phrase). 

The one that had my exact same birthday and it was a point of unification for me to build a little crush on. (while my crush didn't last, I did feel a little sad when he walked past me like a stranger in the store today.)

And that got me thinking about the other boys I've loved before.

The one who played the organ at church after youth group, and I would sit and listen to him play and let the music build me little castles in the air (we hardly ever spoke, but his mom is friends with my mom so I periodically hear about him, he got a whole degree in organ music which is cool).

The one who was on debate team with me, and made me feel like I was someone worth talking to and more than just "a girl" (we went to different high schools and that was that).

The one who walked around barefoot with a mohawk and played guitar in our dorm and was super cool, but had a girlfriend who became like a big sister to me so I scolded myself out of the crush as quickly as I could. (They're married and still my friends now, I'm really glad I got over this one)

The one who had a girlfriend, and I knew it, and I told him I was into him anyways in the dark of night on a religious retreat, and he was very sweet and let me down very gently. (I was too embarassed to speak to him much again after that. He married that girl.)

The one who liked country music, and helped me with my homework, and let me read the draft of his horror novel, which I read because I had a crush, and then I sobbed violently when I thought he was going to date one of our other friends. (he didn't, but by the time I knew that I'd moved on)

And then...the one. The one that stood a foot taller than every other guy in our dance class, and hunched his shoulders to try and hide it, and our teacher kept telling him to stand tall. The one that I looked for on campus but never found, because he didn't actually go to our school, he was just taking the dance class to meet people (girls. he wanted to meet girls. don't let him tell you different, that was the story). The one who asked for my number to practice dancing with me, who practiced with me every week for three months before asking if he could come home to meet my family one Sunday after church, and I forgot that it just happened to be Easter Sunday that week. The one who took me on our first date on my parent's wedding anniversary, and three years later took me back to the same spot to ask me to marry him. The one who made his mini-me with me, and now I love that little boy more than any other boy I've ever loved before.

Happy Valentine's Month to all the boys I've loved before, but especially to my husband and my son.

2023 Resolutions Recap & 2024 Resolutions Reveal

 1) Consolidate my TBR list in one place (combine Goodreads & amazon list into one) 1 point!

The list is now consolidated as a Google Doc - next I need to make progress reading off it!

2) Read 6 non-fiction books & at least 36 books total in 2023 (3 per month, non-fiction every other month) 1 point!

Non-Fiction: Everybody Fights by Kim and Penn Holderness, Making a Scene by Constance Wu, Habits of the Household by Justin Earley, Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, Friendshipping by Jenn Bane & Trin Garritano, Homecoming by Eddie Huang, Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans, The In-Between by Hadley Vlahos, and Momfluenced by Sara Petersen

Full list on Goodreads (this is likely not everything I read in 2023, I am terrible about logging my books https://www.goodreads.com/user_challenges/42119019 )

3) Finish 2 prayer or bible study guides (similar to none like him, or praying psalms over your kids) 1 point!

Abide by Jen Wilkin, A Lent Bible app study & Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. These were the books for the women’s bible studies in the spring and fall at church, and setting this resolution led me to ask about having an evening women’s bible study (they have traditionally met Tuesday mornings) which has been a good experience for me this year.

4) Complete the 5x5x5 Navigators New Testament 52 week reading plan (5 days, 5 minutes, 5 ways to read) 0 points

I did well in January and then failed to complete it because of a lack of accountability! See how I am aiming to change that next year.

5) Consistently use the Blogilates 2023 Fit Planner (at least 75% by year end, including her daily workouts) 0 points

This planner was WAY too much for me. I love the idea of daily fitness logging, but I think the macro tracking and food logging in this book wasn’t good for me.

6) Get to a 10 minute mile consistent pace for a 5K (Finish a timed, race 5K in ~30 min) 0 points

I only did one timed 5K this year, for St. Patrick’s day (picture below), which did not meet the goal. According to MapMyRun, my best mile time is still ~11 minutes on average, with a more standard time of ~13:30 for the majority of my runs. I aim to focus on distance, rather than speed, next year, but sometimes distance gets me speed over time.

7) replace 2 household appliances (examples: dishwasher, dryer, washer, fridge - joint goal with Ryan) 1 point! We replaced ALL of the appliances this year, and our deck. 

8) Build up supply of water/food in basement storage for the family to survive 3 days (joint goal with Ryan) 1 point! Will need to periodically review it to update expiration dates.

9) Clean & organize basement storage room, guest room closet, and my closet (joint goal with Ryan) 1 point!

This made space in the basement for a huge Lego setup! I had my Christmas village on display and will be trying out other displays and build setups with all this space.

10) Finish Stephanie's knit blanket by Christmas 2023 0.5 points - pivoted to a baby blanket but finished the project!

No extra credit points were earned this year, but that is why those were “extra” and not real set goals.

I did complete my fifth triathlon - at the slowest pace of all five - but I did it! And I have been swimming regularly, but not timing myself, just swimming to keep myself from drowning in triathlons. I got an audible subscription and I listened to parts of 12 books - but I didn’t finish all 12, so I’m not giving myself a point here. And I got two bread kits from a fundraiser for Max’s school that *did* use yeast, but because they were kits, I am not sure those should really count either? And I didn’t do any long bike rides, mostly because my new bike doesn’t have the toddler trailer attachment, and I need that. 

And now to reveal the 2024 Goals:

1. Read through the Bible (with a partner! My friend Julie is doing this with me and I hope that this partnership helps me stick to it better than last year)

2. Read 12 books off of my TBR list (bonus point if at least 6 are non-fiction)

3. 500 hours outside (got pretty close to this one in 2023 so setting it as a specific goal this year)

4. Set a PR for a half marathon (half point for just finishing a half marathon - registered for May!)

5. Write Max one letter for the future each month (I did this during his first year, “letters to my baby”, and I have the “letters to my son” book to complete, plus two more “letters for your birthday” and “letters to read when”)

6. 1000 books before kindergarten challenge! (Max is still a few years from kindergarten but we can aim for 1000 books this year anyways!)

7. Memorize 12 Bible verses with Max (We memorized two this year for Sunday School, Genesis 1:1 and Matthew 1:23b, aiming for one a month next year)

8. Finish at least one unfinished quilt project (I have so many WIPs and I want to finish at least one by the end of the year)

9. Enter a Lego show of some kind (Joint goal with Ryan. Ideas include BrickFest, an LGMS train show, or the B&O train garden - we have the Lego basement of my dreams now with drawers and tables)

10. Do a Whole 30 month (this is the goal I am the most uncertain about, so it might not

            happen, but I am curious to research and possibly try this)