A Reflection About Heaven

 When I was a kid, my sisters and I choreographed a dance to the song “I can only imagine”, the hit Christian single on the mercyMe CD my dad had purchased. This was 2001 or 2002, and at 9 years old, I had absolutely no real concept of what I was singing - I never imagined heaven would be anything different from my idyllic childhood. Singing about being surrounded by Jesus’ glory was just something I did, not something I spent much time imagining. 

Now that I'm grown, I imagine heaven much more often, especially in the month of May, which is the anniversary of my dad's passing, and especially this year, when I've been hit personally by two different unexpected losses (my uncle to a heart attack and my cousin to a car accident). And also, the older I've gotten, the more I've had to come to terms with my own sin and brokenness, and with the sin and brokenness of the world.

There's a new song by Phil Wickham that better captures my thinking about heaven now. It too asks, “can you even imagine”, but the repeated refrain and title of this song is “Homesick for heaven”. 

Here are some of my favorite lyrics from the end of the song:

“No more fear, no more pain

Every tear wiped away

Crying Holy, Holy

Every knee on the floor

Every voice evermore

Crying Holy, Holy, yeah

Oh, I wanna go home

To see the ones I love, who've gone before

Where death is a memory and tears are no more

To hear the angels praise, can you even imagine”

The idea of no more fear, no more pain, in a world that, because of brokenness, feels full of more fear and pain than ever before, more than any one person can bear? And the longer I live, the more loved ones I know who have gone before. It would be so easy to long for heaven and not think about today, and indeed when I first started this post that is what was in my mind, except that I got the weekly world news in prayer email yesterday, which had the following intro:

—---

When he had said this, as they were watching, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight. While he was going and they were gazing up toward heaven, suddenly two men in white robes stood by them. They said, “Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking up toward heaven? This Jesus, who has been taken up from you into heaven, will come in the same way as you saw him go into heaven.” – Acts 1:9-11

Holy and Living God,

Like the disciples in Acts, we confess that we are often tempted to stand still, looking toward heaven.

When the world feels too heavy,

when the news comes too quickly,

when war and rumors of war pile on top of political conflict, climate crisis, and human suffering, it is tempting to look away.

It is tempting to lift our eyes upward and hope that somehow faith will give us permission to escape the pain of the world.

But just as the angels spoke to the disciples, we hear the holy question again:

“Why do you stand looking up toward heaven?”

So, God, turn our eyes back toward the earth you love.

—-------------

And so here I am. Left with my grief, sitting in between my dad's birthday and my Uncle Keith's birthday, missing them both. Shattered by the tragedy of my cousin’s life being cut short, by the fact that his one year old son won't remember how much his dad loved him, how much his dad rejoiced in him. Wondering how to turn my eyes back to earth.

But there's another line in the homesick for heaven song that sticks with me:

“I wanna see my children run into Your arms

And worship the Savior who wears my scars

There's an ache in my heart

I'm homesick for Heaven”

And I look at my own two children, and I think how I want them to be in heaven with me. I hear my young neighbor ask me “what does ‘he is risen’ mean?” as she looks at our family Easter photo on my phone lock screen. And while there's an ache in my heart, I pray that someway, somehow, God uses this ache to make me more of a mirror of his grace, his goodness, his steadfast love, that instead of this breaking me, it makes me a better arrow pointing to him as the only hope. I don't know how he can do that, because I'm just so broken down by it all today. But I pray that he will.

On Dim Sum and Love - an Uncle Keith Memorial Post

There is a famous grief quote that says “Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”. As my mind has dwelt on the memories of Uncle Keith since his unexpected passing, food has played a significant role in those memories.

It is a well known stereotype that Asian families struggle to say “I love you” out loud. And my maternal grandmother certainly seemed to fit this stereotype - English wasn't her strongest language, and I can't remember a time that she said “I love you”, though I never doubted that she loved me, largely because of the delicious food she cooked whenever we visited her house when I was little.

Popo, Uncle Keith and a baby me in front of their house

She lived in that house with my Uncle Keith, who filled both a fun uncle and grandfatherly role in my mind at the time. He let us play on his computer and video game consoles (the fun uncle side), and I can recall hours of fun with my sisters and cousins repeatedly playing the first level of Super Mario Bros, the tutorial maze in Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider mansion, laughing repeatedly at the animation of Crash Bandicoot being crushed by a rolling boulder, and watching villagers pick berries for a pixelated William Wallace in the Age of Empires 2 tutorial level on the computer. And when we were finally told enough on screen time (usually because we were squabbling about who's turn it was), there was an old copy of Clue to play, or the cozy coupe and big wheel tricycle that Uncle Keith kept in his garage between our visits, or the laundry basket full of special toys that lived at his house for us.

I purchased a remastered copy of Tomb Raider as an adult so I could relive this iconic experience of locking the butler in the freezer with my son.

But on the grandfatherly side, it was Uncle Keith who told me stories about how my mother had behaved as a little girl, and showed me pictures of her or told me about her report cards. Their dad died when my mom was just 3, and my Uncle Keith at 15 stepped in to parent his younger siblings, a story I knew by heart as a kid, but didn't come to recognize as an act of great love until I was grown. 

Like my grandmother, Uncle Keith used food to express to his nieces how much he looked forward to our visits. When we arrived he had always acquired a huge box of donuts from Shoppers, my favorite being the Boston cream donut bigger than my hand, or a huge bag of puffy Cheetos. To this day when I see Chester Cheetah printed on a bag in the grocery store, I think of Uncle Keith. But by far his favorite thing was to take us for dim sum. Dim sum was my chance to impress Uncle Keith by being brave enough to try new things. He would occasionally make up the dare - for example, he told me lap cheong in sticky rice was made of monkey meat - but I loved trying to rise to the challenge. 

But no matter how brave I got with food, Uncle Keith was always braver. I don't remember when this particular memory occurred, but I recall one Chinese restaurant served roast duck with the head on the platter, bill and all, and my own horror watching Uncle Keith grab that duck bill and chomp down on the head. 

Eventually Uncle Keith moved to the Pacific Northwest, and visits from him became a more infrequent treat. But he'd call us regularly, and in my mind I can still hear his low baritone voice saying “Em-uh-ly, pick up the phone”, because he knew that if I was in charge, I screened calls on the family landline before answering, and he would often leave messages starting that way, in case I picked up.

 When I was in college, I interviewed for a summer internship with Microsoft, which flew me out to Seattle. Uncle Keith picked me up from the airport at 10 PM (so close to 1 AM to my East Coast brain), and immediately insisted on taking me to his favorite 24 hour dim sum location so that I could try the char siu bao bun with bolo bao topping, a combination he hadn't found on the East Coast. The next day, my interviews were in the late afternoon, so he took me to Pike Place Market that morning, with a long list of tourist goods to taste, the best of which was Beecher's mac and cheese. After my interview we drove out to a Chinese restaurant for a feast with several of his and Aunt Molly’s friends, where Uncle Keith bragged not only about my Microsoft interview, but also about the fact that I was comfortably eating the bitter melon dish they had ordered. My lifetime of food bravery had paid off, and I'd succeeded in making him proud. 

I don't have any photos of me and Uncle Keith from my Seattle Microsoft interview, but I do have a photo of the food we ate, showing what I thought was important versus what I took for granted.

Uncle Keith visited us last in March of 2025. My husband had started making his own pizza from scratch, and Uncle Keith was eager to try the “famous” Ryan homemade pizza. It was a love filled family dinner, and Uncle Keith ended it saying “until next time”. How bittersweet it is now to think that when that next time comes, we will be in the presence of God together. Until then, the smell, taste, and texture of my favorite dim sum dishes will serve as a symbol to my children of their Chinese heritage and of how much I miss Uncle Keith’s role in my life. 

Love you forever, Uncle Keith.

2025 Scores & 2026 Goals

 Hello, loyal blog readers, and welcome to the annual dust-off of this old place for me to share about my new years goals! This is a tradition that goes back to 2010 for me (the year I graduated high school). I made goals in 2009, decided to share about them online, and the rest, as they say, is history (15 years of history, goodness gracious!)

Here are the 2025 goals reviewed - TL;DR total score 4.5/8

1. Memorize 4 of the short Psalms (specifically 117, 123, 133 and 134)

I forgot about this one. Scripture memory is a discipline I really miss from my youth, but have struggled to carry into adulthood. 

2. Finish my current knitting project by Christmas (bonus if finished by July 4th)

Done! At long last I have finally finished a knitted gift for my sister Stephanie.

3. Complete “Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons” with Max by end of year

Attempted, so half credit. But we haven't finished all 100 lessons yet. 

He’s good at sounding things out, but the book stresses not moving on until the sounds are really solid, and when we hit “ch”, “sh” and “th” we stalled. Still working through it every night though!

4. Finish 5 more letters to Max (the rest of the book from this year)

Done! And I got a book for Ada as a baby gift that I look forward to filling in 2026.

5. Finish at least one 5 mile race in ~1 hour (bonus points for longer distance)

Attempted, so half credit. But I didn't make my time goal. And then I was pregnant, so my plans to attempt again fell by the wayside. I can run a mile at Marine qualifying time (Strava shows I’ve done it at least 3 times this year), but not sustained for five miles (yet…)

6. 52 weeks deck of cards “junk journal” art project (copying from Instagram)

I forgot I’d resolved this one…I think it’s time to admit I’m not that kind of artist. 

By “that kind of artist” I mean the kind that has paint and craft supplies and a craft space. I love coloring books and doodling, and I write short poems every so often. I make digital photo books all the time. But the kind of artist who cuts, pastes, paints and scraps - I am not.

7. Read 12 non-fiction books (loosely aiming for 4 church/Bible related books, 4 work related, and leaving myself space for 4 “fun non-fictions” like memoirs)

Attempted, so half credit. But I didn't make it to 12 total 

What I did read (or started reading and need to finish) is listed below:

• Good for a Girl by Lauren Fleshman

• The Bookshop: A history of the American Bookstore by Evan Friss

• Gospel Shaped Womanhood by Sarah Rice

• The Art of Gathering by Priyah Parker

• The 5 Levels of Leadership by John C. Maxwell

• In Progress: Becoming the Pastor’s Wife by Beth Allison Barr

• In Progress: Out of your Mind by Jorge Cham and Dwayne Godwin

• In Progress: How to Keep House while drowning by KC Davis

8. Use our passports again

Done! We took my lifelong bucket list trip to Prince Edward Island to experience Anne Shirley’s world. I would not recommend Green Gables in late May - it was FREEZING cold and the PEI natives thought we were absolutely nuts for coming up from Baltimore where it was warm to be cold, but Green Gables Heritage Site was opened, and I had an absolutely amazing time there.

And now, my 2026 Goals, sorted by the family member for whom I made them!

For Ada

1. Write Ada at least 6 of the prompts from the “letters to my daughter” book (Max got 12 “letters to my baby” in his first year and now has 12 “letters to my son” written over the course of two years from 2024/2025 goals, but I’m going easy on myself and saying for second kid, let’s aim for half as many in her first year)

2. Make Ada a christmas stocking (Everyone in our family has a christmas stocking. Before Ada was born, I ambitiously bought and started a huge cross stitch stocking kit - but I do mean HUGE, and so I might not finish that before she’s in high school. So my other option is to knit her one with the yarn Ryan brought me back from Norway this year. The goal is for her to have her own that goes with the other unique family stockings - Ryan’s is from his college, mine is patchwork pieced - I made it in the class where I learned to use a sewing machine at the maker space at my job! - and Max’s is a LEGO brand one.)

3. Complete the Violet’s Bakeshop Quilt for Ada’s birthday (When I first started exploring quilting, I signed up for a quilt challenge with my friend Christina. We sort of imagined we’d make these quilts for our first born children - except that mine was a boy. So I finished the quilt top (sloppy, with several mistakes, but finished) and put it away. She eventually finished hers for her daughter, much more neatly because she took more time to complete it, and hers is actually fully quilted. Mine is just a top. BUT I have discovered there is a local quilt shop in my area that offers to complete tops for you - so I’m going to resolve to get this thing finished, and I’m allowing myself to pay for help, but it will still require some effort on my part to go to the shop and talk to the owner and get it done!)

With Max

4. Finish Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons (This is a carry over from 2025)

5. Teach Max to ride a bike (with training wheels is OK, goal is pedaling with me on runs!)

6. Ditch the night-time pull-ups (he’s already dry at night, but we need to actually switch!)

For me

7. Return to running in 2026! Goal of 300 kilometers logged on Strava by year end (~187 miles or ~3.5 miles per week, feels achievable based on my prior running patterns)

8. Attempting a daily journal - will call it ‘success’ if I have at least 52 entries, which averages to once a week, but may end up being the first 52 days of 2026 while I’m on maternity leave and then abandoned, but that would still be a success (I plan to start Sheryl Sandberg style - three things I’m grateful for today, at a minimum. I used to journal a lot in my youth, and this year I pulled those journals out as part of reflections for my speech for the Navigators Next Generation 50th anniversary celebration, and I realized how much I enjoyed reading that slice of my past - so I want to TRY to capture this slice of my life for future me, when this is the past, with a journal, which is why capturing only maternity leave would still be a win. We’ll see how it goes!)

9. Memorize Psalm 98 (switching from last year’s 4 short psalms goal to one mid-length Psalm, picked this one based on the Advent study that I did with the women’s ministry at my church including this Psalm in the final week of study)

With Ryan

10. Weekly cooking “lesson”/cooking together from cookbooks - success equals at least 20 recipes tried from our cookbook collection! (Ryan’s been asking to learn to cook, but I don’t really use recipes, it’s a lot of vibes, so we’re going to try to both stretch into new territory with weekly cooking sessions, and to test out our large cookbook collection. I love to read cookbooks but rarely actually use them - aiming to change that this year!)

11. Use passports again (Celebrating a big birthday for Ryan this year, and want to mark it with a special trip. Details are still being worked out, but I am committing to leaving the US for at least a little bit!)

1. re-stock basement food stores (loyal readers may remember that some years ago we resolved to have at least 3 days worth of non-perishable food and water stored in our basement in case of emergency, because we’re not super preppers, but we’re a little bit doomsday preppers. We have a bigger family now, and also those cans get old, so we’re going to take inventory and re-stock this year. Maybe learning better cooking skills will make our prepper pantry more versatile? Right now it’s a lot of canned Campbell soups, it would be nice if it was more staple items and less prepared foods - but that’s not part of the goal officially).