On Mothers & Memories

One of my most reoccuring thoughts now that I have a toddler & two nieces - "was it like this when I was the baby? Did my mom love knowing about my cousin celebrating milestones the same way I love it for my nieces? (hearing my older niece talk is so fun, and watching my younger niece crawl just had me audibly cheering). Did my aunt enjoy handing her baby off to my mom and playing with me as a toddler, the way my sisters and I swap kids now?" I believe yes.

Part of the reason I have to think yes is because I have the photographic evidence of it, as seen below.

Me & Popo (grandma), Abigail (sister) & Mom, Megan (cousin) & Aunt Julie

Me & Aunt Julie at dim sum (I just took my younger niece to her first dimsum last weekend)

Aunt Kimberly valiantly trying to read two different books to two nieces at once.

(Also, my older niece's resembleance to my sister is uncanny looking at these old photos)

Scheerer/Winston cousins after a Christmas celebration/service

Me & my cousin Ben at that same gathering with Christmas gifts

(I included this one because if you've seen photos of my son, you've seen this smile I handed down)

My Aunt Lisa and I touching a stingray! (even though I am very little in this picture, I do have a vague memory of this day, because who could forget the time they touched a stingray!)

With the exception of the stingray, I don't remember any of these individual moments. They are, mostly, very ordinary days. But here I am looking for ordinary days, because I'm looking to find "did mom and dad feel this way or that way", and looking to find "is this or that feature of my son reflective of my own face at his age". And this is why we take pictures. When my son was born, I couldn't take enough pictures of him. Every part of him fascinated me and I didn't want to forget. But now, it's mostly him who looks at those pictures, and not me. I hold the memory more easily than I thought I would, but he doesn't hold it at all. I use the pictures so that I can transfer my memory to him, just as the pictures above are transferred memories from my mom and aunts about how they felt when I was the toddler.

I can hold the memory of my newborn and love the three-year-old of my present at the same time. It's wild to me to think on how my mom holds the memory of a new born and loves her almost-32-year old of the present at the same time. Nothing helps you appreciate your mom more than becoming one yourself. Nothing helps you appreciate your aunts more than becoming one yourself. And this goes for what I'll call "spiritual aunts" as well, friends of your parents, neighbors, women from the church. Yesterday I was talking to one of my mom's neighbors (who happens to also be a woman from my church) and she was remembering how I helped paint her house when I was ~12 years old, how I used to babysit for her kids - holding a younger me in her mind while engaging with present day me. One day, my best friend's toddler (who I love fiercely) will look at me and talk to me as "an equal adult" and I will carry the memory of her as a sweet little girl in pigtails from today with me in that future.

Happy Mother's Day (weekend), Mom. And Aunt Julie, Aunt Kimberly, Aunt Lisa, and Aunt Janet. Happy Mother's Day to all those women who loved on me to get me to where I am today, who hold a memory of me younger in their hearts simultaneously with the me of the present.