Dear Blog Readers -
I have had the following posts brewing in my head for a while, and since they all relate to work, I thought I'd post them all at one time. Enjoy! :)
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1) Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?
The Bechdal test (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test)
if you don’t know, basically asks if in a work of fiction, do two women have a
conversation, in a room, alone, about something other than a man. And I usually
test movies that I watch against these standards, and judge them for not
portraying real life.
However, about two months ago, I had a
conversation alone in a computer lab at work with my co-worker Elizabeth, and
realized something - that was the first day in that week that I had a
conversation that passed the Bechdel test.
Now, I realize that may sound a tad
extreme, so I started doing some review of my life, and taking stock before I
decided to write this blog post. Where I work, groups are divided into
sections. In my section, I am one of eight, and I'm the only female. My group
is a little better, but still, I think we only have 8-10 women in a group of
over 60 members.
I've worked on two main projects (with a
third project that has rotated around to be several different things at
different times). On my two main projects, there's Elizabeth on one of the
projects, and just me on the other (I had another female co-worker, but she's
had to shift to other tasks). I do have a female office mate, but she and I
don't talk on a daily basis - we're both too busy! Sometimes we do talk, but
when we do, we are usually talking about our male co-workers (not in a gossip-y
way, more in a "have you seen Aaron today" way), or our significant others.
Not something that would pass the Bechdel test.
OK, so that's just at work, right? That's
because I am a STEM female, I signed up for this life, I signed up to work with
the guys.
Well, I looked at my life after work too,
and I determined that I don’t spend time with other women on a daily basis. I
am in a book club and I meet with a small group of gal pals from childhood, but
I’m mainly hanging out with guys – my guy friends, my husband, and his guy
friends. And I have seven sisters! I don’t believe the movies that fail the
Bechdel test are true to life – my life is not the rule for all women – but it
is interesting, given my STEM career, that I don’t pass this test most days. At
least, I thought it made me feel funny, and it made me more conscious of
seeking out those other ladies.
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2) How Work is Like College (a humorous list):
-
You have
a room that you decorate. Sure, you call it an office or a cubicle, but the
principle is the same – you decorate with posters of your sports teams, TV
shows you like, etc. No posters about alcohol here though.
-
You
split your space with a roommate/officemate/cube mates. They sometimes have
visitors, and you have to be quiet and leave. It’s not because they’re in a
relationship anymore, but you still know – a closed door when you know they are
in there means you should find somewhere else to be.
-
You
have a hall and a “dorm” (building) and there are parties and email list just
for the “dorm residents”. Instead of
being reminders about quiet hours, the building emails are usually about cars
with headlights left on, but the food at the building parties is way better
than it was in college. In fact, at APL our group admins are somewhat like RAs –
you go to them for all the answers.
-
Everyone
hates on the cafeteria. No explanation needed. Rumors of building a Chipotle
nearby are still as rampant as ever and still never come true.
-
Extra-curricular
clubs still all meet at the same time. Sure, the clubs are a little more
technical – Computer Security Reading Group vs. Machine Learning Forum where in
college it would have been the DIY Sundae Stand vs. the acapella choir singing,
but everything is still scheduled for noon to one pm, usually on Wednesdays.
-
The
gym still sucks. You still see the athletic people and feel lame for running so
slow on a treadmill. But my co-worker Barry said that if you’re at the gym at
all, you shouldn’t feel lame because you’re trying to better yourself. So that
was a nice sentiment.
-
There
are still finals. Instead of the end of the school year it’s the end of the
fiscal year, and instead of professors, its executives, but you still have to
prove you have done work and that you accomplished, aka learned, something.
-
So
essentially, work is college, only you can’t take summers off, and you don’t
constantly have homework (it’s constrained to the 40 hours in the office).
3) The problem of “How are you”
Earlier this week, I attended an event hosted by the Hopkins
Women’s Network titled “Strategic Connections: How to make your connections
count”. It was designed to encourage professional networking, but one part in
particular stuck out to me as true across the board, in a professional context
or in any other context – the question “how are you?”
The presenter at the professional networking session thought
that this was a bad question because of how easy it is to turn into a “nothing
question” in the hallway – that is, it is easy to fall into this pattern - “hey, how are you?, fine, how are you?, I’m
just fine, what’s new?, nothing much, new with you? Not too much. Cool, we
should talk again sometime.”
Did that count as a conversation? The presenter went on to
say that a better way to do that conversation is to try to think of one
concrete detail you know about that person, and what you can ask them. For
example, “How’s your wife?” if you met their spouse, or “happy
birthday!” if you happen to remember that.
Personally, I’d say at work, skip asking how are you at all. In my
experience, people ask it as they pass in the hallway, and they don’t want an
answer. They are just conditioned to say that after hi. If I give a real
answer, people are often shocked. If we're just chatting, ask me what you want to know – how’s work on X project,
how’s marriage, did you like the luncheon - something specific. Or if you’re just passing me in the hall,
don’t bother – it’s OK to just say hi!
But if you ask “how are you” when I’m having a bad day
(which happened recently) it will do more damage to our relationship than good
if you’re already moving to your prepared “good to see you” response to what
was supposed to be me saying fine, but was really me crying out for you to be
relational with me, to hear what was overwhelming me at that moment. It's OK to not want to be uber-relational at work. Here's the deal though - I want to spend time on real relationships, so if you're gonna ask, I'm gonna give real answers. And sometimes, those answers will be outside of our happy technical realm (sometimes they won't be). Bottom line: At work, either be relational, or don’t be. But don’t fake it just cause it's work.
PS - as I read this over I realized it sounded pessimistic. Understand, some people at work ARE relational, and really ARE invested in me personally and professionally. It's not like I have NO work relationships, it's just not everyone, and the assumption that "how are you" should always be answered with "fine" got under my skin. Thanks, people who are invested in me and are taking our relationships past the "simple associates" level, and who really want to know what's going on with me. Y'all are great.
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