Thursday, November 6, 2008

Everything and anything...but mostly shame

Recently i have been fairly ashamed of myself. Of my lacking. Several things lead to this, so i'll just go through and list them.

~ First, I've recently been exploring comics, mostly due to the author Scott McCloud and his book Making Comics. So I went on to his site, and read about the 24 hour comics (which I hope to attempts sometime soon). This year i'm also signed up for NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. But as i read the websites and encouragements, I feel fake. There are so many people out there who are so passionate about things, and, althought I'm interested and perked up by the thought, no sincere passion consumes me.

~ Second, the elections caused an uproar at school. Not because the outcome was unexpected, but because all my teachers felt the ned to discuss it in our classes due to historical signifignace. And while I admit that I am lucky enough to grow up in a historically significant time, I just don't care/ haven't been following the news. And when we had a disscussion about it in my Spanish class, I was shamed by my lack of knowledge as compared to my peers.

~ Third, in relation to myself. There are three parts to this one. First, for a while now I have been having a disscussion on the Rebelution forum about Courtship v. dating (see below post). And while I know personally what I think is ok and what is not, my views are unexplainable and in someways contradictory. I still do not beleive that courtship is 'the way', but i've been forced to think about it more than ever. Second, I was recently reading Facebook notes of a passionate friend of mine. This is one guy that God is clearly working in, let me tell you. And yet, he is fighting self-identity issues, and as I read his notes, I was ashamed of myself for not knowing him better and not being as passionate as he was. The Third thing comes from a disscussion I had yesterday with one of my many younger sisters. In someways, my sister is further along in her faith then i am. She is incredibly passionate about serving Christ and she's fighting all kinds of reformed questions and I was amazed and proud of her, but also shamed by my general lack of commitment.

~ Finally, at Navs tuesday, Fitzy (using her new nickname) was talking about holiness, and how when you invite God into your life,he's so holy that any unholyness has to die. and I was ashamed that i hadn't let my unholiness die.

I think this will be a recurring topic. As I look at colleges I find that there are more and more things that I have not thought about in my future. Like the top of my blog says, I'm looking for a passion in life...and I can't seem to find it. Ironically, this is on the Rebelutionaries blog as well. I didn't know it till after I'd already started this post, but i encourage you to read thier post.

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