A little less than a year ago I was 'taught' how to juggle. This means that I was told how to do it, given pointers, and told to practice. I practiced...and tried...and practiced...and I still can't really juggle. Which greatly disappoints me.
Then at Navs the other night we were recapping this semester and I was talking about how I'm a 'pick up the details' kind of person who feels obligated to help people carry out thier ideas, and I was saying how I just juggle everything into my schedule and end up adding talking to or listening to God to talking to or listening to my teachers, my friends, my parents, my homework, etc. Real juggling is stressful, just like my mental juggling.
Well, mentally I've taught myself to be a pretty good juggler, but even the best let balls drop eventually. All too often I let the 'God ball' drop. I don't do quite times, I don't pray, I don't read the Bible. Not because I don't 'want' to - because I refuse to make time for it.
Since our Navs retreat I've been trying to listen to God more - and with that I learned how little I pay attention to him in my daily life. If this were a human relationship, he would have broken up with me already.
Thank you, Father, for not making it based AT ALL on me.
I do not want God to just be another ball for me.
This is not a finished thought. This is something I am struggling with - it requires that I recognize that I failed, that I admit there is something underneath my willingness to let my 'God ball' be the first to drop, that I do nothing to deserve a relationship with God, and that because I've not been responding, I have missed some opportunities for growth in the Holy Spirit. And maybe more.
I cannot just juggle in spending time with God. I cannot make him just another voice I listen to.
Part of me is thinking that I should stop downing on myself - I have recognized the problem. But the other part of me is remembering other problems I recognized and didn't really address till they got ugly.
Like I said - this is not a finished thought.